Unaware……………………

People all around were so engrossed conversing in groups their own, where we had none. If we hadn't sat together, i would be occupied in watching the squirrels hurry around and nothing else. At lunch, a few days back, when i'd least expected it, we spoke about it - loneliness. I remember that the very first time i'd spoken to her, i knew she had as many people in her life as i have in mine.


A little human universe we build for ourselves; hand-picking people from around us, we let our lives revolve around them.. Placing them in the center of our being, we try to shapen our lives..a purpose we try to find..a meaning we all look out for..; a name, we give it..new relationships we define..

Sometimes when you start awing at how beautiful a universe you've built, it suddenly turns ugly.. And you notice that its an island you have been building! A misfitting piece you've built, it feels..and you are left mercilessly to ponder over what jigsaw puzzle it was that you were trying to solve..!


There has always been darkness here....cacophony..harsh cryptics..obscure thoughts...eyes-strained-tired of fighting the gloom..and a heart that thumps faster everytime there's a knock at the door..anxiousness arising deep within..seeking solace..looking for a li'l rest from all the grief it has bore..a vent for all the sorrows buried within..a li'l peace..a li'l love..


I woke up in complete darkness today. It was pitch black. And then I realized that I was not in my bed. I could feel my cell phone in my pocket. The light from its screen showed me that I was in a small circular room, with stone walls. There were no windows and no doors. The stone walls had footholds that led up.


I decided to use it to climb my way out. Half way up, I still could see no light. I had this fleeting thought of losing my grip and plummeting to the ground. But I pushed it aside. Just then, mercifully, I noticed that the passage was becoming less steep and it felt like I was crawling instead of climbing now.


I could make out a faint light, at the far end of the tunnel. Hope and faith does bring a new leash of life. Very soon I was much nearer the circular doorway of light. The fresh air and the smell of wet mud felt inviting to my dulled senses.


And everytime a lightning flashes,it all turns magically silver - the rain,the dimly lit b,the rims of the umbrella,the raindrops dripping from its edges and those in my cupped hand - all colored silver..like the centaur blood.

And the very next moment things revert back to the colors reflecting the dimly lit street.

A distant vehicle colors it all again - golden orange.Golden orange colored everything for an instant.Much like relationships,i would say [maybe wrongly]..a quick flash of colors and then mostly ordinariness.


Despite all the sadistic grimness in solitude and endless cravings,there are always things which can bring back a smile....like the rains and the silver colored everything when the lightning flashes..the cupped raindrops and a grand delusion that it would turn into a pearl someday..

The day must have progressed, because the light was really bright. Too bright! My eyes hurt. I tried to look, but couldn’t. Even squinting did not help.

I could hear voices now. Voices, coming from outside. Animated and loud. It sounded strange after having been used to the quiet for so long. I looked at my immediate surroundings. I did not need the cell phone light anymore. The bright light from outside, gave my surroundings a very cozy and warm feel. It wasn’t that bad after all. 

It was peaceful, serene, safe and warm.


There are always a few moments which i will savour a lifetime..
There are always a few things which gets me singing again

And then I knew that I am a lucky girl. I had the option- to climb. And I have the choice- to step out. It is my call. On my time. While the world buzzes by- unaware…

How I miss those Feb 27th's

A hot enne-neeru snana early in the morning.
Crisp and fresh new dress.
Pooja at the home.


Re-counting if amma has put enough chocolates in the neat box for friends at school,plus extra chocolates for those who suddenly decide to wish looking at my 'color-dress'.


'Lacto-kings' or 'caramilks' for friends.
Kismi toffee bars for teachers and 'close' friends.


On entering class after the prayers at the assembly-'Happy b'day to you....
may the 'good' god bless you....dear puneetha..happy b'day to you..' in chorus. ["good" god,huh????]
'Can i take Jyothi with me to distribute chocolates,miss?'.
'Avlige kottyante,nangu erdu kodalva?'.


Friends and neighbourhood kids shaking hands not letting go till they get atleast 3 chocolates each.
Games-the never ending sudden catch,'icepice',mane aata, ragoli,..
The much awaited ‘veg-pulav' and ‘shavige payasa’ prepared by amma.


Temple going in the evening..and amma’s instruction to the poojari.” Magu muka da mele swalpa theertha haaki..olledagli antha”
And then true follower of my amma’s instruction poojari wud splash almost the half liter of theertha on my face..
Colorfully wrapped gifts.['Enide idrolage?'-'Pencil-boxxu'..'Scrabble'..'Kitchen settu'..'Pilot pennu'..'Scented cartoon rubbers']


Aaah,how i miss those Feb 27 ths.

Aaahh..this bday of mine surely deserves to be mentioned.


It was my 5th year birthday the next day..so Akka decided she shd teach me to behave properly, so that I ll not make her be ashamed of my English talent..
(It’s a culture we used to follow religiously in our school days that we go to distribute the chocolates to each class teacher in the school on our birthday and get the wishes and blessings frm them..)
I was thoroughly by hearted the answers I shd give in the questionnaire session by akka’s class teacher. Akka made it sure I shd behave properly and make her feel good of being my elder sister.
Akka had taught me all possible question and answers..and then she started checking on me..
First question supposed to be asked by her teacher: Thank you for the chocolate. What’s ur name?
My answer: my name isshh Neethu..
Akka:gurrr..
Me: haan alla..puneetha H. AL...(my way of pronouncing R)
Akka: shut up..kannadalli mathadbeda..english alli nanu heli kotta hage helu..
Me: Puneetha H AL.
Akka: good!! Which class?
Me: aiynnn.. U.K.G classhhuu…A chectionuu. Hema theethal..classhh theethal..
Akka: gurr!!..
Me: U.K.G
Akka: How old r u puneetha?
Me: 5 yeals old  :)
Akka: good ..appi neethu..
She was convinced I cud somehow answer the questions the next day.


The next morning I entered akka’s class to distribute the chocolate. I was busy showing off my new frill frock to everyone, the first question comes from the teacher,
Teacher: u look good in this dress..
Me: …….
(I just stare at her..didnt get the meaning of that..and search for my akka’s face..)
Teacher was surprised if I am dumb or deaf, for the reason I have not answered her question. So to check on she asked one more question to me..
Teacher: what is your name?
Me: (I felt happy..atlast something which I knw to answer..so with great smile on my face..I giggle and said..).Puneetha H .AL.
(akka was smiling at this..)


Teacher: Which class are u frm?
Me: (struggled a bit..then remembered) hannnnn..U.K.G.
(akka kept smiling..and was telling her frnds abt me .. :)..I was overwhelmed. )
I felt happy seeing akka smiling..and then I realized I forgot to show my new frill frock to her frnds..I thought finally my aim was fulfilled..)
Was busy continuing the show off of my dress to her frnds.the next question comes, which I didn’t bother much as I had already seen akka smiling at me..


Teacher: Whose birthday it is today puneetha? (till date I don’t understand why she had misguided me by asking this question..)
By that time I was overjoyed by the thought of how I managed to answer the questions well, and as Akka, who seems to be happy from my performance ll be surely giving me my share of chocolates which she had bribed the other day saying she wud give me those if I answer well and make her feel proud in front of her group of friends.
(I knew only 3 answers which was taught to me in order some n number of times..the first two questions were asked in the same order..so I did not much bother abt the 3rd one..and said).


Me: 5 yeals old..(with a smile :))
(thanking god..that I have answered all the 3 questions..and made akka feel happy..)


Goshhhhh..the whole class was burst out into laughing..and akka was fuming giving ‘manege ba-nodkothini-ninna’ kinda angry look. :-/

Aaah,how i miss those Feb 27 ths.